The Nice/Nasty Indecision Hiatus

Anton Walbrook: Stephen Fry's intro to 'Gaslight'

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:01:24 GMT

Realistic dot-eyed horror boy film forthcoming

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 11:16:13 GMT

Tintin film excitement reported in the Guardian. Extract:

' Spielberg said recently: "We want Tintin's adventures to have the reality of a live action film and yet Peter and I felt that shooting them in a traditional live action format would simply not honour the distinctive look of the characters and world that Hergé created. The idea is that the films will look neither like cartoons nor like computer-generated animation. We're making them look photo-realistic, the fibres of their clothing, the pores of their skin and each individual hair. They look exactly like real people - but real Hergé people." '

Sounds great!

You've all seen the Real Mario and Real Homer right?

Me Vs. Them

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:53:37 GMT

Can anyone recommend a web hosting company that isn't Fasthosts?

I've got disappearing emailitis - emails just days old simply flip off. Maybe they're being deleted by Doctor Strange, maybe they're made of gas, I don't know . And this is them, right:

"Dear Mr Cox,

The only explanation I can offer you Mr Cox is that if the emails are older than 90 days they get deleted off our systems.

Emails do not just disappear nor do we delete customers emails."

and this is me, yeah:

Oh really?

Je m'accuse news

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 15:32:16 GMT

Mayor suspends himself for benefit fraud (BBC)

Old phrase or saying

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 13:44:26 GMT

Those old phrases or sayings are sometimes still quite relevant aren't they? Look before you leap, one man's goose is another man's gander, many a mickle makes a muckle and if you don't like planes superglue your hands to a revolving door.*

*- The last one is, I admit, rather new. However I intend to use it as a suffix to 'Well, you know what they say...' in all sorts of conversations from now on when giving advice on relationships, career issues, coping with grief and whether to buy a new tent off the internet or from a proper shop.

Edwyn Collins

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 09:32:01 GMT

Edwyn Collins interview in the Guardian. He had a near-fatal stroke, MRSA, couldn't speak or walk - so this is great stuff, even if he's not 100% yet.

Mountain out of a volehill

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 14:44:59 GMT

I am rather inspired by the decision of the Spanish to burn up an entire field, in order to get rid some voles that live there. In our flat, we have a mouse. So I am going to smash a wall and wee on the carpet.

I will only resort to arson if it becomes two mouses - one must have a sense of proportion.

Twee pies f*ck off

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 19:10:27 GMT

TWEE PIES! TWEE! PIES!

The glory of pie. The noble, rugged modest hero and cheerful but dry raconteur that is pie.

Turned into a twee spinachey vomit box.

Five Word Speeches Are Fun

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 00:01:33 GMT

The Webbys winners did five-word speeches. Here's a sample:

News
BBC News: Alan, we're thinking of you.

Newspaper
The Guardian: Please free Alan Johnston now.

Radio
BBC Radio 1: Free the archives.

See 'em all here.

["'Free Alan Johnston now. Hm, four words. Guardian have done 'Please free Alan Johnston now'. What if we do 'Go on, free Alan Johnston?'"

"But what about the archives??"

"Oh yeah!"

- and so Radio 1 wins my perverse respect...]

"...many influential and political figures encouraged me to stand"

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 12:46:03 GMT

Thanks to wardytron I have just read the funniest thing in years - the pointless DJ Mike Read being hilarious with affectedly casual self-regard and circus-act level imbecility. Oh - he's decided not to stand as a London Mayoral candidate, you see.

Sample quote:

"I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known and most want to get out of a way of life that gives them nothing. Get in there ... understand their problems and give them access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write. Get them integrated into society and to realise its value."

Like the best daft comedy characters, Mike takes himself seriously. Bless him.

Mike Read - clown.

Noise list

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 17:33:27 GMT

Top 5 Virtually Untranscribable Vocal Noises in Music

1. Chkh-tkh-chk (and hgih) - Prince Buster, Al Capone etc.
2. Warweehwarwar - Julian Cope, Poppins
3. AAARGH! AAARGH! *cough*, *cough* - Mark E Smith, Oleano
4. Arghjbjgguh-gawghhh! The Clash, Right Profile
5. Brrrrrr (rolled). Chairman of the Board, BrrrrGive me just a little more time (and Dexy's Midnight Runners)

House on Pooh Corner

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 21:54:11 GMT

Forgot to say. I went to this Radio 4 recording of 'With Great Pleasure', and John Major is there choosing book extracts to be read by actors. And this made me cry. It's from the House on Pooh Corner, and Christopher Robin is growing up and doesn't know how to tell Pooh.

Read it slowly and it will break your heart.

------

Then, suddenly again, Christopher Robin, who was still
looking at the world with his chin in his hands, called out
"Pooh!"
"Yes?" said Pooh.
"When I'm--when-- Pooh!"
"Yes, Christopher Robin?"
"I'm not going to do Nothing any more."
"Never again?"
"Well, not so much. They don't let you."
Pooh waited for him to go on, but he was silent again.
"Yes, Christopher Robin?" said Pooh helpfully.
"Pooh, when I'm--you know--when I'm not doing Nothing, will you come up here sometimes?"
"Just Me?"
"Yes, Pooh."
"Will you be here too?"
"Yes, Pooh, I will be really. I promise I will be,
Pooh."
"That's good," said Pooh.
"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever. Not
even when I'm a hundred."
Pooh thought for a little.
"How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety-nine."
Pooh nodded.
"I promise," he said.
Still with his eyes on the world Christopher Robin put
out a hand and felt for Pooh's paw.
"Pooh," said Christopher Robin earnestly, "if I--if I'm
not quite" he stopped and tried again --". Pooh, whatever
happens, you will understand, won't you?"
"Understand what?"
"Oh, nothing." He laughed and jumped to his feet. "Come
on!"
"Where?" said Pooh.
"Anywhere," said Christopher Robin.

Etiquette

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 15:38:30 GMT

I don't have my etiquette book on me, but - correct me if I'm wrong - when farting inside the reprographics room when you thought you were alone, upon seeing the other person who smiles and says 'Hello Chris', the correct thing to do is apologise quickly, say 'This printer drives me mad!' and storm out. That's roughly it. I'm sure.

An 'is it me?' type thingie, followed by the weather

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 16:30:12 GMT

Is it me, or is the BBC massive publicity campaign about Alan Johnston a bit weird? I mean, this is special treatment isn't it? They didn't do this for John McCarthy, also a journalist. But because he's BBC they (presumably) spend a lot of money on this campaign, including massive billboards in London, which will help by...er...maintaining awareness, yes. Obviously I want him to be released, but I'm just not sure this is ethical. However, it looks like no-one is questioning it, so maybe that counts as a silent endorsement from all license payers.

On another subject, the apocalypse has evidently arrived over the Whitehall/Westminster area, in the form of a gobsmackingly enourmous creeping black cloud, swirly rain and big bolts of blue lightning. Tsk.

Black Francis

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 14:31:06 GMT

I've just written this review for our staff mag, and thought youse guys should know of this song and it's immense immenseness...

Threshold Apprehension by Black Francis

I've been asking loads of people since this was released a couple of weeks ago: "Do you like the Pixies?" The Pixies were the US band that Nirvana were inspired by (ie copied) when creating the 'quiet, loud, quiet' sound that dominated their enormous breakthrough album 'Nevermind'. Anyway, to me the Pixies were not only first, but better. Sadly they split up in the early 90's and a recent attempt to reform has stalled. This is perhaps why their genius frontman, (who calls himself either Frank Black or Black Francis, depending on his mood), has put out this single. 'Threshold Apprehension' is the Pixies. Just without the other members of the band. It rocks mightily and is a real singalong number, so long as you count shrieking the word 'threshold' over and over again as 'singing'. Pixies fans will love it, others will run and hide. It's download only, available on iTunes and eMusic.

Peetha-gora-suhwitch-i!

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 12:13:26 GMT

Dear Honda ad, Heath Robinson contraptions, Sesame Street pinball animation, Mousetrap...how do you feel in the cocked hat you've been knocked into by Japanese kids show Pythagora Switch?

Icke musing

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 09:03:24 GMT

I've just been reading the papers, noticed that a very elderly member of the Rothschild family has died and remembered that they are one of that lot who are supposed to be shape-shifting lizards according to David Icke.

Then I suddenly realised just how wrong he is - if they, and the Royal Family etc. etc., are genuinely shape-shifting aliens that is, in fact, immensely cool. And not really threatening. The idea that we have been visited by aliens who are basking in wealth due to their alien lizard skillz is really thrilling and great - and why on earth would I mind? I've got somewhere to live, nice food and a computer. Lizards wearing huge amounts of gold around the place is a really exciting idea. Wow!

Maybe Icke could have a children's programme where reads from a big colourful book to a group of kids all gathered round, telling them about the lizards, and maybe some new ones like - I dunnno - eagle-men or rabbit-turtles from the moon that *actually live amongst us* operating fork-lift trucks or selling small enamel badges.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 22:25:03 GMT

Dear Sir

Please find attached my submission for the 2012 London Olympics logo.

Even though you are the commissioning board for the London Olympics logo, I would be delighted for you to send me another idea for the logo in lieu of your normal reply.

Yours faithfully

David Suchet

Stop scrolling!

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 10:36:40 GMT

Do you want to feel better, even if you currently feel fine? I have some splendid music for you. From Norway, good heavens!

Go to Magnus Moriarty's MySpace page, sit back, listen to 'Making the train land', feel wonderful. Rpt. It is flipping sublime.

GOOD FOR KIDS MAKE BELIEVE

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 19:08:16 GMT

Many thanks to m'friend Richard for this eBayed item, truly a portal into an amazing fantasy world that will delight children and adults alike.

Friday and Saturday and Sunday

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 11:34:04 GMT

Friday

An amazing weekend, that last one there.

First, a group of four of us to Pinewood on Friday evening and the taping of Graham Linehan's 'The IT Crowd', which was superb-duperb. I shall not be revealing any of the plot, but I can assure you that it is Very Funny and that Richard Ayoade's amusing pronunciation of the word 'bra' is deservedly well-exercised. The evening was only slightly grazed by the awfulness of the warm-up - imagine Ross Noble with his imagination syringed out and replaced with polystyrene wotsits and you're roughly there. As Mr. Linehan points out on his blog, the job of keeping most of an audience giggly for three hours in 5-20 minute bursts is tough - however, keeping most of an audience gripped by the fear that a remarkably stupid man ("What's an oboe?" is a direct quote) with a microphone will ask you where you're from is, for me, quite anti-giggly. The perfect warm-up would be someone like Gore Vidal, who would be laconic, bitchy and dry without ever threatening to be funnier than the show. I hope this suggestion is taken up as soon as possible.

We stayed in Shepperton that night, tried to remember where various scenes from of J.G. Ballard's 'The Unlimited Dream Company' were set and got splendidly hammered on beer and gin in a lovely riverside hotel.

Saturday

We then woke on Saturday to beautful misty sunshine, ate breakfast in the pub right next door, played a game of pool and went home via Tesco and the purchase of nice coffee and two price-reduced Victoria sponge cakes. Bliss!

The next part of the day was even more fun, if that's possible. M'friend Richard had been invited to a 'Ghost Walk' in London's the City of London. However, we got there late and the group had already gone. After a bit of prevarication we decided to just wander round the City anyway. Lovely. But then! After a while, we found the group at the Guildhall, which I had never seen up close. (As a lover of moulded concrete excrescences, I was thrilled by a large grey portal thingie that looks like it could be an interplanetary teleportation device, as designed by British architects in 1970.)

Anyway, the Ghost Walk group were there but by this time we felt a bit embarrassed about joining them late... So instead, we trailed them. We followed them at a distance. We lurked. And then we stood where they had been and tried to imagine what ghosts they would've talked about. This was the most fun I've ever had ever. Until now, I have not had a conscious admiration of spies and undercover policemen (and stalkers come to that), however, if they can refrain from sniggering and jumping up and down with mischievous excitment at every stolen glimpse of 'the target' round a corner, they deserve a Creme Egg (except the stalkers). Sadly, we lost them whilst lurking for too long...but considering the Ghost Walk costs £6 for two hours, and we trailed them for about a third of that, we 'won' about £2...maybe minus about £1 for not actually knowing anything about the ghosts and that, but still, £1 - result!

Sunday

The main thing about Sunday was another walk with Rich, this time from our flat in the Oval to Chelsea, via Battersea Park. A wonderful semi-accidental route took us through nice blackened-brick Victorian/early 20thC grim bits, past the Battersea Dogs (and Cats, apparently) Home and into the park, where novelty self-propelled vehicles were all over the place. I can't remember seeing any actual bikes, but lots of three or four-wheeled things with various amounts of pedalling people on top. The sun was out, shining off a large Buddhist temple pagoda thingie, so we went over to it and found the river. We strolled along there and across the strangely Disney Princess-style pink and baby-blue Albert Bridge, into Chelsea and eventually to a tiny pub called the Fox and Hounds. There we started to play Alphabet Sitcom, in which you take it in turns to match subsequent letters of the Alphabet to a Sitcom. They can be British or American, but you get credibility for obscure British stuff (such as this one). After a few beers the real sitcoms turned into sitcoms that should be, or have been. Alternative universe sitcoms. 'Jack of Hearts', for example, is when Jack Dee went to ITV instead of the BBC and made a series about the manager of a dating agency who himself can't find love. There is a sassy secretary. Can you see it?

However, with even more beer on the go, this game started freaking me out. Richard described an imaginary Carla Lane show called 'Doves' with Penelope Wilton, about a group of women sharing a house who have been brought together because they are or were 'peacemakers' in some way. For a split second I wasn't sure if it was real or not, and my head went funny - I think the Ballard talk from the previous two days had fertilised the ground for this. It didn't then help to come home and find Mark Lawson interviewing fictional actor Nicholas Craig on BBC 4.

Still, even the loosening of my grip upon sanity was sorta fun. A splendid weekend.

Is it the fabric?

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 15:14:11 GMT

Here's a thing in today's Independent about Richard Madeley's "most embarrassing" (best) "outbursts" (moments of artistic genius and/or philosophical clarity that should be revered and preserved by the nation).

Who else wants to elect him to the House of Lords?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TO SOPHIE ELLIS BEXTOR

“Where did you get your face?”

TO BILL CLINTON

“I was in a similar position to you. I was accused of shoplifting. But unlike you, I knew I was innocent ...”

INTERVIEWING A TEENAGE ANOREXIC

“Five stone? Wow! That’s concentration camp thin, that is.”

IN AN ITEM ABOUT MENSTRUATION

“Yes, Judy – remember when you had thrush? You had a terrible time of it.”

INTERVIEWING ONE OF THE BIRMINGHAM SIX

“What do you notice most that has changed during your 18 years in jail? Cars have five gears now, for example.”

TO TRANSVESTITE ARTIST GRAYSON PERRY

“You’re just humming with sexual energy! Is it the fabric?”

TO SEX PISTOL JOHN LYDON

“If I could throw a fishing rod into the corridors of time and reel you in, you'd throttle you, wouldn"t you?”

“I love ducks - they’ve always got a smile on their face.”

“Will the gentleman with one nipple please reveal it?”

And the winner is...

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 00:33:32 GMT

I am deleting my spam folder now. The only thing I will miss is the superb names. So I kept them, and here they are. Some of them really should be read from a gold envelope, or an iron pyrite one. Some are poetically strange, others have a great Vic Reeves-style uber-normality. I cannot be proper angry about spam when these arrive unbidden, I really can't.

Larry Whitt
Kermit Mock
Adolph Staples
Stacey Crowder
Mortimer Wagner
Numbers Moss
Godfrey Constance
Rolf G. Coleman
Wooten Lewis
Lawson F. Mamie
Kishore Havens
Leatha Galle
Cyrus Kline
Rangel C. Silvester
Gerald Kern
Antonio Johnson
Reyes Wiseman
Jodie Cote
Kip Downing
Emm L. Hendricks
Darwin Pugh
Ginger Myers
Parker Zimmerman
Leonore Brewer
Ollie Diaz
Dennis U. Parsons
Dollie Lawrence

Tie storage

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 13:34:37 GMT

I have a real problem with tie storage. They always fall off the thing they're draped on, even when on a Proper Tie Hanger thing they flap stupidly over a suit and get pulled off somehow. So I take inspiration from this ingenious solution.

Lembit Opik Haiku

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 11:57:03 GMT

walking down whitehall
banana-faced liberal
not feeling cheeky